Ethanol in fuel to go from 10% to 15%

Go read this article.

Now that you've done that, you know that this is ridiculous. Here’s an idea: let’s give everyone in America a pay cut at a time when people need money by driving prices up on everything. This is retarded. Unemployment is pushing 10% but those people can handle a box of Cheerios going above $6, right? WRONG.

This aggravates the hell out of me. I don’t get it. The administration may want to push its agenda, but your darn agenda is not what we need right now. He wants to help the lower and middle classes, right? So driving prices up on items that don’t discriminate against their buyers is a good way to equally influence poor and rich alike. Think about a sales tax versus a tax on luxury goods (say European imported cars) – and you know Obama subscribes to exactly what I’m about to say…anyway, both Billy Grace on St. Charles Avenue and Leroy Jenkins in the 9^th Ward have to buy a loaf of bread every week. A sales tax has an out of pocket expense that costs them both the same (4%? (federal) of every dollar spent), but it affects Leroy Jenkins much worse than Billy Grace, whereas a tax on European imported cars will affect Mr. Grace in a way that won’t affect Mr. Jenkins because Mr. Jenkins does not need a 2011 BMW to survive like he needs a bologna sandwich, but Mr. Grace does not mind absorbing that cost.

I am not suggesting heavily taxing imported cars or the upper class – there are plenty of reasons not to, but with unemployment almost at 10%, Mr. Jenkins may not have a job, and if he does he is probably living paycheck to paycheck. Whether Mr. Jenkins is lower or middle class, he just took a pay cut – as did the upper class. What about the stimulus? If it’s all about having people spend more money right now, and spend our way out of the recession, they sure did whiff on a fastball down the pipe.

As Paulie once said, there’s no way the benefit from affecting our carbon footprint comes close to outweighing the cost. Not that I’d be warm to the idea during a better economy, but this is THE worst time to do this.

Jennifer Lopez also said it right, “Lame-O.” I say, Obama, you’re fired, go sit on the bus.

The Other NFC Hotness

I was born, raised, and reside right outside of Trenton, New Jersey. The Line of Demarcation between Eagles and Giants fans runs, roughly, right through Trenton, NJ. We get both the New York and Philly network affiliates on television. Our local papers act like the Eagles are the local team one day, the Giants the next. There are Eagles bars, there are Giants bars, and there are the ones that try and be the Switzerland of bars, taking the money of both sides and maintaining neutrality without regard to the moral ramifications of doing so.*

Giants fans think of themselves as classier than Eagles fans, that they're somehow superior for throwing their allegiance behind a team that has arguably had more historical success than the Eagles. One whose fan base isn't as universally vilified and reviled by the nation. A group who try and maintain the deranged passion of an Eagles fan, but maintain an air of civility and white-collar supremacy that the hardscrabble Philly faithful could never aspire to. Well, let me break it down for you, Giants fans:

- Your QB has the composure of a 14-year-old with raging hormones thrown into Delilah's on a Friday night.
- There are three kinds of football coaches: Those with brains, those with guts, and Tom Coughlin.
- You SHARE a stadium with the JETS. You can't even afford your own house.
- Philly fans are passionate, crazed, and belligerent, even when not in the friendly confines of the Delaware Valley. Why? Because we can back it up with knowledge or fists. Iggles fans don't know what the term 'fair weather' means, because the weather is never 'fair' unless you've got the ring.
- We've beaten you five straight times. Nice little run.
- DeSean
- LeSean
- Vick

Have fun out there. Remember, it's only a game and not a gridiron metaphor for your shortcomings as people. No metaphors are necessary for that.

* The Jets and their fans do not play a role in any of this. They are awful. I don't know many, and the ones I do disappear on Sunday to some mystical place that never sees the light of day. This is a matter about which questions should not be asked and the convenient status quo maintained. Any gunner foolish enough to pursue the truth should be forewarned that their actions are way out of bounds and may find themselves tripped up and taken out.

Saints can Clinch Playoff Spot on Sunday

For immediate release from the UIB Sports Desk

NEW ORLEANS (UIB) - The New Orleans Saints can clinch a playoff spot as early as this Sunday, the Useless Information Blog reported on Tuesday morning.

UIB staffers confirmed that, because the Elis and Packers play each other in Week 16, the Saints will clinch a playoff berth on Sunday with (1) a victory, (2) a loss by Tampa Bay (versus the streaking Fightin Lions of Detroit), and (3) a loss by EITHER Green Bay or the New York Elis.

Saints fans, presumably confident in their team's ability to vanquish those lesser opponents across a 16 game schedule, will likely be tuned in to the Atlanta vs Seattle game.  A win by the Saints and a loss by the Falcons will unleash NFC South Armageddon.

There are reports Tuesday morning that it is possible that the Saints may not win on Sunday, but nobody has been able to confirm that information in the face of a six game winning streak, during which the offense has scored 30+ points in every game.

UPDATE: HOS falls apart after UIB downgrade

The UIB staff sincerely hopes that you followed the advice of last week's USTOW.  After cashing in on an 8% gain over the course of a month, you would have saved yourself the agony of watching HOS give back all of its gains and then some.  Hornbeck is down 10.5% since last week's issuance of an USTOW, which recommended unloading HOS.

At this time, we would like to reiterate: you're welcome.

Hello??????

Solid job by Congress and the President today.  I'm not sure any analyst would dispute that the broad message from the populace in November was a very clear, "Stop spending more money than we have."  So what did they just do in Washington?

They agreen on a plan to maintain taxes and increase spending.

(That sound that you heard was me banging my head against the wall.)

USTOW: The fun is over at HOS

Over the weekend, news broke that Gary Chouest is dropping his planned purchase of the New Orleans Hornets in order to focus on his marine vessel business.  Recall that, on October 28th, the UIB released an USTOW based on the following logic:

"The thesis is more about Hornbeck's competitor than themselves: Edison Chouest.  See, Chouest is owned by Gary Chouest.  And I mean OWNED.  Privately held.  He gets lots of money.  Owned.  Well, Mr. Chouest is a minority partner in the New Orleans Hornets, and is a known superfan.  He has also been in the process of purchasing the remaining share of the team from George Shinn for months now.  This process was supposed to happen during the offseason, but has dragged on into the new season, which began last night.  Clearly, these activities will be a distraction to Chouest as the new season starts, and who will profit from Chouest's ADD in the form of higher market share?  Hornbeck Offshore Services."

Clearly, this thesis is now broken.  Fortunately, HOS closed on Friday up 7.94% since the USTOW was issued (as an aside, we plan to "issue" or "release" USTOWs, like it's a fatwa or something, because it sounds cool).  In fact, that is about 115% annualized.

So, time to cash out on HOS.  Also, you're welcome.

Ourselves

I've been absent here as of late. Apologies. I was busy visiting the O'Shea origins in Sligo, Ireland. I don't care what Yeats, Joyce, or Behan may tell you, binge drinking leaves little time for writing.

In case you haven't heard, Ireland, their economy, and their government are in a spot of bother. That's putting it nicely. More appropriately stated, 'God says he can get America's economy out of this mess, but he's pretty sure, you're fu**ed.'

The situation, in a nutshell: Ireland's economy went nuts for a decade. Referred to as the 'Celtic Tiger', everyone borrowed and built like crazy bastards. Banks like Anglo Irish and Bank of Ireland loaned money in ways that would make Bank of America cringe. Then, uh, you know, that thing happened, with the poop, and the fan. Ireland's guv'mint said, 'It's ok bank investors, we guarantee the loans.' Yaaaaaay. Then they found out there was more poop hitting the fans then they could handle. The guv'mint is now running a 32% deficit and is on the line for over $100 billion in bank loans. They're been forced to accept a loan from the IMF/ECB at awful rates, almost 6%. The IMF/ECB are then...buying up guv'mint bonds at close to 9%, because they're making Ireland finance a huge chunk of it themselves and they might as well make money off them, right? Public sector cuts are going through the roof. New taxes are imposing about $7,000 in new taxes on each citizen, virtually regardless of pay. You make $35,000/yr? Enjoy that hit.

Whenever the topic of current events came up in a pub, things either got lively, or everyone was told, 'GET THAT DOOM AND GLOOM S**T OUT OF MY PUB.' (That happened. Old guy of about 70 walked out.) Everyone under 40 talks about trying to move to the U.K., Canada, Australia, the U.S. Paulie absolutely could have gotten hitched to women of questionable attractiveness for immigrative purposes, but he doesn't want to give up on the hope that your mother leaves your father just yet. When Neil Diamond came on the radio in one pub at about 11am on Friday, the depressed look on the face of a man drinking at a rate of about 1 pint/10 min was awful. 'They're commmmin to America...' No s**t, Neil. Back off.

Which brings me to the title. 'Ourselves'. That's what Sinn Fein means. Sinn Fein, for those ignorant in the politics of Ireland, is the political wing of the now disarmed Provisional IRA. The Troubles, and all that, yeah, they were shooting it out with the British Military and Paramilitary groups who had British backing. Well, guess who polled 3rd of major parties, with 16 %, in a recent tally, when the current ruling party polled 13%? Guess who won a by-election for a seat in the Dail (Irish Parliamant) 2 weeks ago, upping their represntation to the point where they can join with the opposition to conceivably bring about a no-confidence vote and take down the current guv'mint?

Sinn Fein.

Now, I'd say their policies, unification aside, are on the liberal, leftist side of things. They yearn for an egalitarian Ireland. Commendable, but laissez faire Paulie doesn't like that. Not in America. But Ireland has bungled free market so badly...it might not be such a bad thing. And Ireland loving Paulie says that a little leftist change might not be so bad for the Emerald Isle.

I'm just saying. Ireland is going to be a bit crazy for the next few years, regardless. Also, it will be cheap and teeming with women looking for a Green Card, women who can hold thier liqour and have been sexual repressed just enough by the Catholic Church to be wild in the sack when you finally break through.

That should be their tourism slogan.

Congratulations, FIFA

We're going to skip the Russia part, and congratulate you for picking Qatar as the venue for the 2022 World Cup, where it is illegal to be drunk in public. Now, I understand that technically in America and other countries, which don't really matter because they're not America, "public intoxication" is a crime, but something tells me that the Turban Tops interpret this law a little differently.

Go ahead and check out the State Department's page on Americans traveling to Qatar here, but I'm going to present a few highlights of it for you below:

"U.S. citizens are strongly encouraged to avoid labor or work camps, where unrest can occur due to local working conditions or labor grievances."

Labor and work camps? Sounds like North Korea. This oil rich land must have tons of money if they get to host the WC with labor and work camps.

"Other locations of potential concern (relative to terrorist attacks, my insertion) include any venue where U.S. citizens and other foreigners are known to congregate in large numbers such as public assemblies, sporting events, restaurants, residential areas, clubs, places of worship, schools, hotels, etc."

Did you just read that? A piece of me thinks that this should not just be targeted at Americans, but at all Westerners. Don't gather in large groups, like going to a World Cup match to see your team play.

"Local and third-country-national young men have been known to verbally and physically harass unaccompanied, expatriate women."

"Insulting someone in public is considered a punishable offense."

How about that? Insulting someone in public is a punishable offense. Also, not that you should be anywhere alone in a foreign country anyway, but to have to mention that on the State Department's website that women by themselves tend to get verbally and physically harassed says something about the state of a culture.

Drunk driving, public intoxication, and other alcohol-related offenses are treated with severity and will result in arrest, heavy fines, imprisonment, or expulsion from the country.

How many drunk-soccer-hooligan Europeans are going to end up in work camps? I think them all. Being tolerant of others and showing that you're reaching out to the other side is great, if you're not an idiot about it, but this country is run by Islamic law. That's fantastic that it's got more money than Davy Crockett, but people will die, and America still runs this bitch. Who is running FIFA?

Say it ain't so, Frogs

Dear TCU,

Ye valiant BCS challengers, once again on the brink of a possible appearance in the National Championship game. You have achieved heights in the last few years that few, if any, college programs have over the same time period.  Your achievements are in the company of Alabama, Boise State, and possibly no others.  Even Florida and Texas have faltered this season, while you have gone undefeated . . . again.

But news has broken this morning that you are moving to a conference that has worse football teams, horrible travel arrangements, basketball squads with whom you can't compete, and baseball squads who can't compete against you.  Yet, they have one thing that you do not enjoy: an automatic BCS bid.  One that will likely go to Connecticut this season, who is 7-4 and unranked.

How could you?

How could you put that kind of travel strain on your student athletes over a bid that you already get?  It is 869 miles to the nearest school in your conference: Louisville.  How do you expect your athletes whose intelligence is not subsidized by the school to deal with that kind of travel while attempting to keep up with their studies?  The answer is clear: you don't.

How could you possibly think that playing a worse schedule will enhance your championship game chances?  Only one team in their conference is ranked (West Virginia - 23rd), while two teams in yours are ahead of them.  Do you really think that the experts are going to say, "Well, they beat Rutgers on the road this season . . ."  Do you know who beat Rutgers on the road this season?  Tulane.

How could you deny your fans the chance to develop natural rivalries, and to travel to road games?  No, Mountain West rivals aren't exactly next door, but the Big East plays a brutal 18 game schedule in basketball, meaning two fewer chances to schedule neighbors like SMU, Texas, etc.  And conference championships?  In the 2010-2011 academic year, the Big East will hold two conference championships south of the Mason-Dixon line: baseball and golf.  Do you think that a bunch of Texans are really gearing up to visit places like Jamesville, NY and Storrs, CT when it's cold outside?

But most of all, how could you sell out your image as the BCS-busting squad that people love to complain about, but secretly support?  The team that BCS schools love to claim isn't good enough, but hate to play?  The team that embraces the American ideal that if you work hard enough, eventually you will bust through that glass ceiling, because anything is possible in America?  The underdog.

If this morning's report is true, then it is with a heavy heart that I request the next stop on the TCU bus.  I must get off.

Go Ducks,
Barry

Congratulations to America!

Apparently West Virginia was not the only entity to defeat Bob McKillop yesterday, as America has pulled out a victory in the UIB's "Who would win in a fight" poll.

Reached by phone at the White House, America accepted the victory, but strangely still blamed George W. Bush for its out-of-shape pysique.  Apparently two years is not long enough to get back into shape.

At any rate, Bob McKillop has admittedly lost a step since he coached a bunch of nerds to the brink of the final four, but graciously accepted defeat.  "I got exposed in this poll a bit, and that is exactly why I want to play against superior teams like America.  I have weaknesses now, but having them exposed early is what will make me a much better-polling fighter in March."

Jack Bauer, who finished dead last in the poll, could not be reached for comment because he was on location shooting season 1,486 of his hit show, 24, which features a bisexual transgender Asian Mexican American president.

Dear Charles Rangel,

Charlie. What's happening? Busy time for you now, I know, but I wanted to have a few words.

I want to start off by saying you are a hypocritical asshole and should die a very public and painful death.

I don't care about your body of work. I don't care about any of the good things you've done. Hitler did a lot of great things. He built roads. Schools. Pulled Germany out of their Weimar funk. Then, you know, he ****ed it all up by doing those other things that were...morally questionable.

I'm not saying you're in the same category as Hitler. You're worse. Hitler didn't exactly lie about what he was doing. He didn't say, 'No no, the Jews are really so nice, we love them. And all the other untermenschen, I want to send them to happy funtime camps where they can pick flowers and eat candy all day.' He was pretty damn clear that they were, ah, being liquidated.

But Charlie, you used your office in so many different illegal capacities. You misused the office and your influence to get subsidized housing and donations to various 'charitable' foundations of yours, foundations whose books will no doubt be pored over in the near future. You failed to pay taxes on property and income when you were chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, the very committee that deals with taxation. You allege innocence, though state you have already spend $2 million on your defense, with another $1 million apparently needed. What innocent and clean man needs $3 million to adequately defend himself? You know how much money it would take to clear me of tax fraud, right now? You're pissed that your law firm ditched your case. I'm sure the fact that you were clearly guilty and absolutely undefendable had nothing to do with that. But, if that is not the case, how dare they act so unethically and abandon their client, who is guilty of ethics violations.

That would be none, because I'm not a ****ing criminal and don't engage in any sleezy, dishonest dealings. The defense of, 'Uh, I didn't do it, so, look all you want because there's nothing there' is fairly cheap.

'Does this sound like it has a scintilla of due process?' You asked that following the official finding of guilt. A finding that was established by the members of the committee you used to chair, and is still controlled by your own party. Did you really just want to use the word 'scintilla' in a sentence so people were reminded that, though you were not morally robust, at least your vocabulary is still top notch?

In summation, you had the potential to let your body of good work be the defining characteristic of how history will remember you. Instead, you decided to be a lying, cheating, stealing sonofab***h. If I did that, I would be in jail, right now. You just lose a $174,000/yr job that 435 idiots can do, a job that district gerrymandering has guaranteed you would hold until you decided to retire. Do your decisions, in hindsight, seem to have a scintilla of common sense?

Now, please kindly F off and disappear from public view forever.

"Service"

People in the military don't get paid a ton.  They also put their lives on the line to defend our freedoms.  This gap between what they put in and what they get out, is what we call "service."  Nobody serves more than they do.  Police and firefighters serve as well, for the same reasons.

Clergy also serve.  They work for others and don't get rich doing it (in most cases).

People in the government, however, serve no more than a Wall Street executive.  They work, and they are paid.  Some do an excellent job.  And they are compensated.  But it really gets under my skin when a legislator in Washington talks about their "service."  In today's case, it's Charlie Rangel, who responded to his ethics conviction by saying, ""I can only hope that the full committee will treat me more fairly, and take into account my entire 40 years of service to the Congress before making any decisions on sanction."  Mr. Rangel, who claims that he can't afford a lawyer, makes $174,000 a year to be a congressman.  Maybe the committe got his ethics charges wrong (maybe not), but I can't understand how people in Washington claim to "serve," by getting paid that much.  And it's not just the elected officials.  Check out http://www.legistorm.com/ and see for yourself.

Just had to get that out.  I feel much better now, thanks.

Defending the BCS: Part II

Where y'at, Barry? This was a little too long for a comment, so it'll have to be its own post.

Expanding on Barry's first point in his BCS post that every game counts whether it came early or late, I'd like to mention that the BCS system creates the single most exciting SEASON in all of sport. Nowhere else do fans get so excited about every game and completely overreact of every outcome.

If you'd look at it a little more favorably, you'd see that the entire season is a playoff. The only thing is that some teams play single-elimination (1E) while others get the wildcard of playing double-elimination (2E) (with the exception of LSU 2007) depending on strength of schedule, and boy does this make things fun. Nobody knows going into the season, but one can speculate, who may be able to get this 2E luxury and you won't find out until it's all said and done. Not only that, but the system changes as the year goes on depending on when you and any other squad loses.

For example, if Auburn lays an egg in the Iron Bowl, they're likely out of the National Title picture, in fact, LSU could have a better shot at making it in even though Auburn has the advantage of playing another Top 25 team in the SEC Championship regardless of what happens the rest of the regular season - on the field of course, let's leave Cam Newton's off-field escapades to the Tabloids for now. LSU just happened to lose to Auburn early in the year, and now that it's playing better, could possibly have played itself into 2E even though for a while there it looked like they were clearly a 1E squad. (Note that this is a long shot with Boise St. and TCU in the mix, but it is technically possible.)

The best part about the whole year is that everyone thought Alabama and Florida might have been the only teams playing 2E this season, but both played themselves out of it by the first week of November. If I'd have know Bama could still make the playoffs after losing to LSU, I probably wouldn't have gotten so depressingly drunk the night of 11/6/10, I probably would've celebrated Barry's b-day with joy. Either way, I was getting drunk. And that, my friends, is how the BCS has helped shape my life in 2010.

My point is, the playoffs start in September, but you're never out of it until you're out of it. Remember playing Jailbreak in the gym as a kid? Think about how depressing it was to get sent to jail. Now think about how great it was when a teammate made one of those foam balls in the basketball goal across the gym only to break you and everyone else out. That's like finding out that all of the sudden, you qualified for the double-elimination playoffs. I say no to playoffs because we don't need to dampen the thrill of breaking out of jail.

Defending the BCS (but also trashing it)

The BCS is awesome.  There, I said it.  Playoffs are great, but they’re not the only answer.  And anyone who says, “Oh, it’s not fair to the team that plays better in December after losing in September,” doesn’t get it.  It’s about who played the best throughout the whole year.  Teams who sucked wind early on do not get consequence mulligans for getting better.  No do-overs.  You don't look at a game that you lost and say, "Well that's not fair.  We were down by 10 after the first quarter and we only lost by 3, so we should have won."  No, you lost.

One out of 120 teams becomes the champion.  That’s it.  If you don’t get a shot at the championship, then you can get in line with the other 118 teams who are just like you and go cry in your Wheaties, which by the way you should have eaten in September, when you were losing.

Actually, there is one thing wrong with the BCS: poor revenue sharing.  The heads of the BCS conferences don’t understand that sharing that revenue across all teams who compete for a spot in the BCS (all 120 teams, so we’re clear) is better for college football than hoarding it amongst themselves.  When they did that, they said “Our mission is financial in nature, and is in no way tied to the mission of the institutions that we ‘represent.’”  At that point, they had to look at themselves in the same way that the NFL does, and understand that competitive balance is a good thing for profits. 

The irony is that they have made the thing so lucrative now that it will eventually collapse on them when the NFL comes to its senses and starts the league that I believe is inevitable.

So, why not kill the conference tie-in and open the BCS games to every team, while sharing the revenue among every team?  If they want to build something in that skews it a bit towards a conference that has two teams in the mix instead of one or none, then great (the NCAA does this for basketball tourney payouts).  Make it two different pools.  Whatever.  Get creative.  Just do what's best for the game.

And no playoffs.

College Basketball Preview: Teams Other Than The 'Cats

Who gives a flying ****?

The end.

2010-2011 College Basketball Preview

The new college basketball season is imminent, and the UIB Sports Team has released its College Basketball Preview, containing everything that you need to know for the upcoming season.


First of all, there are approximately 344 irrelevant teams in college basketball.  Then, there are the Davidson Wildcats.  From 2005-2009, the 'Cats unleashed hell on the Southern Conference like no team has ever done.  In those five seasons, the 'Cats were a staggaring 81-8 in conference games.  Last year, they were 11-7.  The experts at the UIB equate this anomoly to reeling in a big catfish, and then casting it back out into the water, just so you can reel it again again.  Basically, in 2010, the 'Cats threw their fish back in the pond, and now they are going to crush it again.  Consider the following ...




Returning stars


Hebrew senstation Jake "The Rabbi" Cohen, and his counterpart JP "Pope" Kuhlman shared conference freshman of the year honors last year.  This year, they plan to dominate on the court, and bring about peace on earth off the court.


Frank Ben-Eze may be the breakout player of the season.  A touted recruit in 2008, Ben-Eze has broken his knee approximately sixty times in the last two years, but should be healthy this season.  Rumor has it that Ben-Eze will have a tough time making some of the longer road trips this year, because his knee sets off too many alarms to be allowed through airport security. 




New blood


Wow, does Davidson have an excellent recruiting class this season.  It is generally accepted to be Bob McKillop's best in 21 seasons at the helm.  Tom Droney, Jordan Downing, and De'Mon Brooks highlight the class, but here is why the UIB is excited for it:


Ali Mackay - A Scottish nerd basketball player?!  Are you kidding?!  God, we hope that he is good and gets interviewed on tv a lot.  Scottish accents are just crazy sounding.  This is probably driven by the fact that anyone in America who hears a Scottish accent, sets it to the visual track of Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons, but what are you gonna do?


Clay Tormey - No big deal, but this walk-on is a continent champion in judo.  That continent is North America - not Asia - but we are still fired up.  Is it too much to hope for a Necessary Roughness style technical foul barrage on the court when Davidson plays UNCC for the first time since UNCC ducked the 'Cats while they had Stephen Curry?


Chris Cerapowicz - Clearly, this guy is going to replace Max Paulhus Gosselin as the crowd-pleasing, crazy-eyes defender.  His bio pic is more like a mug shot.  It says, "If you try to inbound this ball, so help me God I WILL CUT YOU!!"




Diversity rules


This season, Davidson will cover diversity like no other team in the land.  Consider it from three angles:

1. Geography - The Wildcats have players from three continents: North America, Europe, and Africa
2. Race - The Wildcats have European Americans, African Americans, actual Europeans, an actual African, and a French Canadian.  Coach McKillop is also rumored to be recruiting an Asian American student to keep stats.
3. Religion - The Wildcats will have a guy named for a Pope, a Jewish guy, and a guy named Ali.  Your three basic want-to-fight-each-other food groups.  (We know what you're saying . . . "Ali is short for Alistair on the Scottish guy, who sure doesn't look Muslim."  Well, you don't know that he is not, you racist punk.)

The 'Cats will use this season as a form not only to win basketball games for the good of college basketball, but also to bring about world peace.  Look for great news out of Jersualem in early April, when the 'Cats are crowned National Champions, Emperors of Rome, and rulers of "everything that the light touches."

Good news for last night's defeated . . .

. . . you voted for 99 weeks of unemployment benefits, which should be more than enough to get you through to the next election cycle without finding a job!

Gator Huntin'

http://www.thetowntalk.com/article/20101027/SPORTS14/10270336/Two-year-quest-Friends-catch-12-foot-monster-gator-in-Avoyelles-Parish

Barry recently alerted me to this tale of alleged hunting prowess in the nether regions of Loo-Z-Anna. I voiced my opinion that this was an ignominious ending for such a creature, trapped by a few Cajuns and popped in the head with a .22 to the head. Barry responed as follows:

Now you just sound like a liberal.

“Oh, but isn’t that unfair? Why don’t you give the animal a gun, too, and then see if you want to try to shoot it?”

Do you know what it’s called when a man can use a gun to kill a deadly killing machine of an animal, but instead try to use an inferior weapon? Retarded.

I believe that you may also be overlooking the fact that those guys had to track the animal and put their trap in a spot where it would take it, then come up with a rig that the animal could not escape after some failed attempts. It’s not like they just pressed a button and caught a gator. They stalked it for two years. It’s not like they just dropped a coin in a slot and won a jackpot.

YOU HOLD UP THERE, SON.

I'm not saying I find it wrong to kill the gator. If you made the argument, 'Well, that's the best way to kill it and preserve the skin/meat to sell at a high price, I can get behind that. I just want to know that some of these rednecks are getting taken out from time to time whilst doing this.

I've eaten gator and it is delicious. I just want to taste the defeat and failure of some dumb rube who lost and arm/life in the pursuit of my stew/boots. Is that so wrong? It's the same thing with conflict diamonds. It's not my fault that broads/gangstas love them and they're all sparkly and beautiful. If I have to indirectly fund genocide or civil war to give my lady friends what they want, well, so be it. I didn't tell the Africans to go all bat$hit and start wars over them. They decided that through their own maleducated and impoverished minds/hungry stomachs. The main black dude in Blood Diamond made out alright for himself, DID HE NOT? He should send L'il Wayne, Jay-Z, and (insert stupid white popular actress' name so I don't seem racist) a thank you note.

All the best things in life come from/create conflict. Diamonds. Oil. Blow. Chronic. Trafficking women. John Woo movies. Let's just say that for good things there is a price to pay, and we, as Americans, like to outsource that price to people in developing/not even close to developing nations.

So, in summation, as long as a few swamp people are killed/maimed every year while hunting gators, I approve of the .22 to the head coup de grace. I know a few people who've gone out that way and let's be honest, it's the simplest way to take a person out. Smaller caliber is cheaper, quieter, and lacks the power to exit the skulls, bouncing around the brain inflicting maximum damage and minimal gore. You can probably shoot someone in the head at close range with a .22 in a white suit with white gloves and not ruin them.

The Useless Stock Pick of the Week

Ladies, gentlemen, intergalactic friends-of-the-blog,

Welcome to a new section of the UIB that we have been kicking around since its inception: the Useless Stock Pick of the Week.  In it, we will develop a thesis regarding the future of a particular stock, based on some pretty absurd reasoning that you would only trade on if you were way too rich to possibly become poor, or you were a dummy.  That said, we think we can come up with some ridiculous stuff and we'll see if we can still beat the market, like that monkey throwing darts.


This week's USPOW:  Hornbeck Offshore Services (HOS)

Who are they?
Hornbeck owns a fleet of vessels, which provide services to deepwater oil rigs, primarily in the Gulf of Mexico.  Their national claim-to-fame is that they were the firm that successfully sued the federal government to have the initial moratorium on offshore Gulf of Mexico drilling lifted.

The thesis:
HOS is poised to gain from the onset of the new NBA basketball season.

The thesis is more about Hornbeck's competitor than themselves: Edison Chouest.  See, Chouest is owned by Gary Chouest.  And I mean OWNED.  Privately held.  He gets lots of money.  Owned.  Well, Mr. Chouest is a minority partner in the New Orleans Hornets, and is a known superfan.  He has also been in the process of purchasing the remaining share of the team from George Shinn for months now.  This process was supposed to happen during the offseason, but has dragged on into the new season, which began last night.  Clearly, these activities will be a distraction to Chouest as the new season starts, and who will profit from Chouest's ADD in the form of higher market share?  Hornbeck Offshore Services.

So there you have it: HOS is the USPOW because the NBA season started this week.

DPRK and Meatball Lovin' Part 2

Meatball sandwiches are manly. Very, very manly. While 'American' can be used as a synonym for manly, I find cause to disagree with the assertion that Kim Jong Il does not like meatball sandwiches.

Look. Say what you will about the Anti-American nature of the Dear Leader. By focusing on that facet of his life, and with the previously stated synonymity of 'American' and 'manly', one might think this to mean that he is not a mascualine individual. Well, that taken with the ridiculous sums of money he spends on his hair and other metrosexual peccadilloes.

However, the man rules an entire country with an iron fist. A whole nation reveres him as a god. He is a small, ugly man that currently commands the obediance and subserviance of 20+ million citizens. He has successfully duped and manipulated the international community into always giving in to his demands by exploiting the currently weak nature of world diplomacy. He has nuclear weapons and a standing army of 1.2 million men. One of his subs sunk a South Korean naval ship and NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. If you cross him, or he thinks you're going to cross him, or he just doesn't like you, he can have you liquidated and your family relocated to a work camp.

In my book, that is a man. Smuggle him a meatball sandwich through the blockade to satisfy his hunger.

You want to pick on someone who allegedly has two balls and a penis, is a world leader, hates America, but doesn't like a meatball sandwich because they're really a big b***h, my vote goes for Obama. I bet that guy wouldn't eat a meatball sandwich unless he was on the campaign trail, in front of the cameras, and put on the spot to eat the sandwich because it would endear him to the local voter base. And he would not enjoy the sandwich. He would eat probably 2 bites of it before handing it back to the proprietor who made the sandwich so he could give a speech about hope'n'change and maybe containing the North Korean threat.

Kim Jong Il would eat the sandwich, eat another sandwich, then take another from a subordinate who was also involved in the Pyongyang Meatball Sandwich Fesitval. When the subordinate flinched at the thought of giving away his tasty meal, he would be summarily executed. The Dear Leader would then test another nuclear device, kidnap some Japanese citizens, and capture another American submarine. You know, because he can, and he has.

Just saying.

Awesomely American Micro-rant of the Day

You know what is awesome?  A meatball sandwich.  Who doesn't like a meatball sandwich?

I'll tell you who: Kim Jong Il.  Hey, KJI.  Nice head.

Jackass.

De Gaulle of these people!

Raising the retirement age from 60-62? OH THE HUMANITY.

I think Angela Merkel should take a good, hard look at what is happening to her neighboring country. Not because Germany has to worry about falling prey to these problems or anything. Turns out, they've been fiscally responsible compared to the rest of the world. No, I want her to take a look at invading.

Remember what pulled the U.S. out of the Great Depression? That's right, an aggressive Germany and a weak France. And without the morally damaging and resource draining Nazi agenda, no doubt Germany can get the job done this time. I promise we won't care and merely attempt to financially capitalize by producing for your war machine. You think the U.K. will do anything? They just proposed HUGE cuts to their armed forces the other day. Russia has the Chechens/Georgians keeping them occupied, as well as the onerous day-to-day struggle to run an authoritarian regime. Much harder now than it was in 1941.

So, Angela. Do it. There's no Maginot Line that forces you to ruin the day for those nice Belgians and Dutch by going into France on that route. Just give the Bundeswehr a call, have them make it do what it do, and sell us cheap wine/champanya afterwards.

Oh, don't forget to loot the art, too.

French Fries

This week's escalating protests just go to reinforce an age-old lesson that Americans have learned through watching highlights of celebrations and protests over the years:

Europeans love road flares.

13th Amendment Is Lies

Barry de Destrahan laid out his plans for revolutionizing football for those talented individuals between the ages of 18-22 blessed with the abilities and work ethic to make a professional athletic career in football a possiblity. Well, I've got some thoughts.

How has no one mentioned that the current system is akin to slavery or indentured servitude? Here's how I'm seeing things:

You have certain physical strengths and abilities. You are not allowed and strike out on the own and get market rate for your services. You are forced to work in a system who provides lodging, food, and only enough education to keep you on/in the field. Your work has massive financial benefits to the institution that provides you only those basic services listed above. You cannot do work on the side to better your situation. Seriously? No one sees the parallels here?

I, Paulie O'Shea, have a certain set of acquired skills that I bring to the workplace right now. I can choose where I want to work. I can choose to say, 'No, I will not work for minimum wage for your company when my talents are clearly good enough to work in a higher paced, much more remunerative environment. Good day to YOU sir, and go die in a fire.' Football players only have the choice to attend a different college/university that also provides only the basics to sustain life during your time there.

For right or wrong, most of the folks in the situation of young athletes possess no other skill set to provide for their families at that age, especially not to the degree their football talents can garner. The current establishment dictates that although you may be talented enough to play in the NFL and reap large sums of money, you cannot even consider that option. Even though there are teams that would love to sign you, nope, sorry, too bad. You must put in your time working for room and board until 'we' say you have earned the right to work for money and competetive wages.

Tell me how this is different (other than the whole actual ownership, beating, rape, murder, etc) than the slave in the field who toils away for no money, is provided with food/basic shelter all to the benefit of a master who knows that, at least for the time being, he owns you because you have no other course to take in your professional career? Even if you decide to switch schools you have to sit out a year. While there may be a well defined time frame when you can strike out on your own, it is still, for all intents and purposes, indentured servitude for 2 years.

What a crock of ***t. Let them get drafted, receive signing bonuses, create a developmental league, and use their talents to get the most and be the best that they can be.

Or not. I mean, really, I blew out my shoulder and was dead to the sports world at 18, so I don't personally care unless this helps the Iggles draft better players. Or if one of them craps out of the new system and turns to a life of crime and accepts a contract that has been taken out on the life of Andy Reid for his blatent and egregious imcompetence. (The play clock is not some Rubik's Cube of mystery that is impossible to solve YOU SIMPLETON MORON)

I'm talking to you, Maurice Clarrett. Call me!

Opinions from Jersey? Sure.

Paulie O'Shea here. I'm Irish. I'm from New Jersey. I've been summoned to write words here about things I don't like, maybe some stuff I do like. That sounds good. I've also been told not to be profane, foul, or very offensive. That sounds less good. I'm being forced by Barry from Destrahan and Snakebite to abandon the vernacular I know and love for their Mickey Mouse grammar, castrated and devoid of force and power.

Total ****ing bull****, right? My great-grandfather didn't jump off the boat in New York to avoid dealing with all that Ellis Island garbage and go right to the pub with some friends from the old country so that 100 years later I could be told what words I can and cannot use in literary medium that was inconceivable to him at the time.

No, he did it because he hates lines, waiting, and dealing with people that are stupid/useless (guv'mint workers). He wanted a drink with his friends. And he was pretty sure he could swim.

Fortunately, his descendants saw fit to work hard and keep their battles with the drink private so as not to affect their professional lives. These stunning feats no doubt led to acquiring the resources necessary to provide Paulie O'Shea with a top notch education filled with big words, deep thinking, and a sense of entitlement and pomposity that is so important in the America of today.

So, you know, to be brief. Hi. How you doin? Hope you enjoy when I write, but really, I doubt I'll care if you don't. Please be advised if you voice your disapproval, I will promptly respond by asking you to die in a fire. Know that I have an Uncle Tutto who's a fire inspector in North Jersey who knows a thing or two about making arson look like an electrical fire. I'm just saying. You've been warned, and accidents happen.

Two birds, one stone

We got problems:

1. The NFL needs growth (dolla dolla bills), and international ain't workin (why did it take them this long to figure that out?), so their next brilliant fail of an idea is to add two games to the season, despite the oncoming tsunami of liability for players' braindeadness by 50.
2. College football as amateur athletics is a joke, and nobody can figure out how to balance "student" and "nonprofessional" with "athlete," when whackos will pay a gazillion dollars to see them play, even though said whackos have no official relationship with the (vocational) "school" that the players represent.

(Here it comes)

The NFL should start a developmental league for players who are 18-22.  Each current franchise can field a club.  You have to finish high school to qualify, and you are eligible to be signed by your own team after whatever age college players are allowed to enter the NFL draft.  There will be two drafts henceforth:  the NFLD-league draft, for high schoolers (or junior college guys who finish their GED or certificate in welding or whatever), and the college draft.  Anyone in the NFLD-league who's not signed by their own team at 22 can enter the college draft.  Season starts in April and runs through June.  Ten game regular season.  Four teams make the playoffs, play two rounds, and a champion is declared in the "Mediocre Bowl," or something.

Why is this not on the table?  I just thought of it while doing a different job, and since this is a blog, I am forced to assume that the idea is brilliant and should be published without consideration of the cons.  Your thoughts, readers???

Follow us to FREEDOM!

Special shout out to UIB fan Ann Marie from Spartanburg for being our first follower.  Ann Marie (if that is your real name), when we're big shots, you're definitely going to be in our inner entourage.

This is an inclusive blog, so please feel invited to follow us, unless you do not think that the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th is 110% awesome.  If that is the case, then you can go fly a kite.

Overpaid Athlete Syndrome

Athletes are humorously overpaid.  The argument in favor of insanely high salaries follows the line of reason that the athletes generate a gazillion dollars of revenue for their firms (teams), and therefore should be compensated accordingly.  This is the same line of reasoning that leads most organizations to overpay their sales force.  How how much you generate matters little in determining how much you are worth to your organization.  The true value is two fold:

1. How much you generate, relative to somebody else who could be in your position, and
2. Your alternative employment prospects

Consider the case of the NFL/NBA/MLB athlete.  Number two is not even debatable: the average professional athlete is not worth close to their salary in a different industry.  Many go to "college" and never see a classroom (more on that in another useless rant near the start of college basketball season).  Stars on the field are not necessarily stars in the classroom.  Sure, it happens, but by and large it's just not the case.  Even those who go on to successful careers have income prospects that are nowhere near seven (or eight) figures per year. 

Point number one is debatable.  Fans to value seeing the best athletes, but fans - especially NBA fans - want to see superstars.  That's why teams should focus their spending on superstars, and tell the rest of the players that they can play for less or not play at all.  After all, there are plenty of other marginal players clamoring for a chance to make it in "the league."  The fact is that most players are entirely replaceable (economically speaking), as long as a team hangs onto a couple of stars.

Remember, the object of a sports fanchise on the business side is to make money, not to win games.  If the owners stood up to the players' union and said, "Strike all you want . . . we'll find plenty of guys who want to play," then they could make a ton more profits.  They might lose their superstars for a bit, but the union would eventually have to cave.  A logical solution would be for the teams to spend their money on a really really really really good long-term health plan for their players (ok, I have slipped into an NFL-only argument, but let's keep running with it).  That would probably cost less than their $80+MM/year salary cap, and though fans might grumble, I doubt they would stop coming or watching or buying merchandise bearing the names of superstars.

You may say, "But Barry, with all of this discontent, wouldn't they start their own league to compete with the NFL?"  The answer is, "Probably, and they would lose their shirts."  The NFL basically has a monopoly, given to them by congress years ago (in a deal that actually birthed the New Orleans Saints.  True story.  Look it up.).  That monopoly was affirmed by the USFL's failure in the 1980s, over which the NFL was ordered to pay $1 in an antitrust lawsuit.  The court said, "Well NFL, you're out of line, and the law says that we have to acknowledge that.  Buuuuut, the Redskins are on a killer run these days, so we're gonna go ahead and give y'all a pass on this one."  I may be paraphrasing.

So you see, athletes have little other income prospects (though I hear that Kurt Warner was about to get an enormous retention bonus at the Shop Rite before he left to become an NFL Hall of Famer).  Most of them don't perform significantly better than any number of their colleagues who want to play.  Therefore, athletes are overpaid, and franchise owners are suckers.

Oh well

Well, I guess I was wrong. I'm not afraid to admit it. The Saints lost when the USO had an uptick Friday, so I guess it isn't true, but I'm going to stick with my guns here and stand by this thing. It might not be right every week, but we'll see what kind of a percentage we can get and at the end of the year, who knows? This could only be the fluke.

I'd expect oil to be through the roof by the end of the year though because the Saints are going to get it together and start tearing things up. Who dat.

Self plug of the day

Don't forget to check out Snakebite's other blog at www.snakebitesblog.blogspot.com and the twitter page at www.twitter.com/snakebite504

U.S.Oh Baby

Been following the USO lately? Of course you have if you're a Saints fan. It's kickin' butt right now. As of press time, the USO is up 1.95% on the day. This, of course, is the last day of trading before the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints take the field Sunday, which means it's looking like a victory for the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints. We'll check back in post game, but the trend is undefeated thus far this season. Stay tuned, lunatics.

Breaking news

Underground sources have reported to the UIB that LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva has expressed privately that he will fire Les Miles at the end of the season, and target Nick Saban as LSU's next head coach.  If Saban cannot be lured away from Alabama, the Tigers will try to get Rich Rodriguez from Michigan.

Alleva has already been cleared by LSU System President John Lombardi to make the move following the season.  Word reached the UIB from Mr. Lombardi's secretary, who is a member of the UIB's underground network and also Snakebite's cousin.

Useless Rant: Popeye's

I love Popeye's.  These are some reasons:

• Everybody eats it during Mardi Gras, just like the good old days. 
• Nobody has better sides.  
• The chicken strips don't need any sauce, because they are prefect when dipped in mashed poptatoes.
• They invented the loaded chicken wrap.  A chicken strip, with red beans and rice, inside of a tortilla.  It is retarded.  And when you have had a few libations, it is also delicious.  (Ok, I even like it sober)

Unfortunately, while Popeye's has some great things still going for it, the place has completely lost touch with its roots, and risks embodying more of generic America than the gritty New Orleans environment from which it came.  I submit to you as evidence, the recent rash of commercials featuring some "Aw shucks" Southern-accented spokeswoman who tries in no way to back up her claim of being Louisianian, because clearly the firm no longer knows the difference between the two.  And that is the problem.  Generic America thinks the following things:

1. Southern and Louisianian are the same thing
2. The Cajuns must have invented spicy foods, because all spicy things are called Cajun
3. All people from Louisiana are Cajun

The current Popey's "spokeswoman" has managed to shoot a perfect score with their latest commercial, in which she talks in her adorable Southern accent about "her" Cajun barbecue sauce.  The problem, of course, is that:

(A) She is Southern and not Louisianian.

(B) She calls her barbecue sauce "Cajun" simply because it is spicy.  There is actually no defined "Cajun" style of barbecue.

(C) She is not Cajun at all.  She is African American.  In Louisiana, African Americans are most typically of Creole or simply African descent, but you'll have a better chance finding an African Irishman (Shaq O'Neal excepted, of course) before you'll find an African Cajun.  Creoles are known for "Creole Cookin'," which has given us most of our tomato-based goodness down here, like Shrimp or Crawfish Creole (connecting the dots there?), and the most popular forms of jambalaya.  Red beans and rice can be credited to this lineage as well, among many other Louisiana - and New Orleans - favorites.  The Cajuns come from a group of French refugees, expelled from the Acadia region of French Canada in 1755, following the French and Indian War.  They settled west of New Orleans, in the Atchafalaya Basin, and cook their own style of jambalaya, etouffees, and sausages, among many other Louisiana favorites.  Both styles were influenced by local indigenous peoples (Injuns, if your textbook is dated before 1970).  It was the Cajun's spices that inspired Al Copeland's original Popeye's chicken recipe.

Of course, Popeye's has been based in Atlanta for long enough now to drive anyone representing the firm's Louisiana heritage out of its culture, per its plans when it moved (link).  That makes it difficult to maintain a "Louisiana" brand and image.  After all, one would expect that such a place would know the difference between New Orleanian and Cajun (or even Cajun and simply spicy), but apparently they no longer do.  So it is that monumental disconnect that has finally led to this: a "Louisiana" chicken restaurant parading out a not-even-Louisianaian character to sell wares that aren't even Louisiana-inspired, as an attempt to emphasize their Louisiana roots.

Popeye's picked up those roots years ago, and they have officially dried up.  Take me to Chick-Fil-A, please.

There, I said it.

Black Gold - following the charts

Everybody knows that the Saints's colors are black and gold because this is oil country, and oil is better known as black gold. With that, I think it's time to lay out a couple charts and figure out how to capitalize on the Saints and USO - the United States Oil Fund.

This season, we'll be tracking the correlation between the performance of the USO and the Saints on the field. Already this season, we have seen amazing results between the USO's movement and the outcome of the Saints game. On the last day of trading before the day of the game, we saw an uptick in the USO before both victories against the Vikings and 49ers. Then, before the hated Falcons came to town, we got a bad sign...a downtick on Friday the 24th.

It's week 4 and this is when we'll find out if this is the real deal. I'm pulling for the USO to go through the roof so we can knock the pants off the Panthers. As of press time (10:40am CDT), we've seen an uptick of 1.35%. My money's on the Saints.

Useless Advice

You don't need a good reason.  Just a reason.

Welcome to the Useless Information Blog

Dear Reader,

If you are reading this, then you are probably a friend of the posters, or Google.  Either way, welcome to the Useless Information Blog, and congratulations on reaching the end of your search for information that is entertaining, plausibly true (plausibly not), and more-than-likely useless.

Here at the UIB, we plan to use blog posts and polls to debate, discuss, and opine on absurd topics, such as:

• The useless stock pick of the week, based on information that my be made-up
• Debate and discuss: the US government's actual weighted average cost of capital is less than zero
• The moral superiority of the New Orleans Saints and the Who Dat nation

Bottom line: you will find the information presented here to be largely useless.  Yet, you just may find yourself entertained.  Perhaps you will not admit to your friends that you are a regular reader, but you will be.  It's hard to see now, but you may actually have an opinion and post about topic number two above.  And if you do, well, then we've got you, sucker.

So, please check back here regularly for useless information that you simply can't live without.  Cause hey, even if it's stretching the facts, you still look smart as long as nobody else knows the facts.

Useless to you,
Barry

PS - We reserve the right to deviate from this plan as we see fit.  And we will.  So, basically, this letter is useless.