2010-2011 College Basketball Preview

The new college basketball season is imminent, and the UIB Sports Team has released its College Basketball Preview, containing everything that you need to know for the upcoming season.


First of all, there are approximately 344 irrelevant teams in college basketball.  Then, there are the Davidson Wildcats.  From 2005-2009, the 'Cats unleashed hell on the Southern Conference like no team has ever done.  In those five seasons, the 'Cats were a staggaring 81-8 in conference games.  Last year, they were 11-7.  The experts at the UIB equate this anomoly to reeling in a big catfish, and then casting it back out into the water, just so you can reel it again again.  Basically, in 2010, the 'Cats threw their fish back in the pond, and now they are going to crush it again.  Consider the following ...




Returning stars


Hebrew senstation Jake "The Rabbi" Cohen, and his counterpart JP "Pope" Kuhlman shared conference freshman of the year honors last year.  This year, they plan to dominate on the court, and bring about peace on earth off the court.


Frank Ben-Eze may be the breakout player of the season.  A touted recruit in 2008, Ben-Eze has broken his knee approximately sixty times in the last two years, but should be healthy this season.  Rumor has it that Ben-Eze will have a tough time making some of the longer road trips this year, because his knee sets off too many alarms to be allowed through airport security. 




New blood


Wow, does Davidson have an excellent recruiting class this season.  It is generally accepted to be Bob McKillop's best in 21 seasons at the helm.  Tom Droney, Jordan Downing, and De'Mon Brooks highlight the class, but here is why the UIB is excited for it:


Ali Mackay - A Scottish nerd basketball player?!  Are you kidding?!  God, we hope that he is good and gets interviewed on tv a lot.  Scottish accents are just crazy sounding.  This is probably driven by the fact that anyone in America who hears a Scottish accent, sets it to the visual track of Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons, but what are you gonna do?


Clay Tormey - No big deal, but this walk-on is a continent champion in judo.  That continent is North America - not Asia - but we are still fired up.  Is it too much to hope for a Necessary Roughness style technical foul barrage on the court when Davidson plays UNCC for the first time since UNCC ducked the 'Cats while they had Stephen Curry?


Chris Cerapowicz - Clearly, this guy is going to replace Max Paulhus Gosselin as the crowd-pleasing, crazy-eyes defender.  His bio pic is more like a mug shot.  It says, "If you try to inbound this ball, so help me God I WILL CUT YOU!!"




Diversity rules


This season, Davidson will cover diversity like no other team in the land.  Consider it from three angles:

1. Geography - The Wildcats have players from three continents: North America, Europe, and Africa
2. Race - The Wildcats have European Americans, African Americans, actual Europeans, an actual African, and a French Canadian.  Coach McKillop is also rumored to be recruiting an Asian American student to keep stats.
3. Religion - The Wildcats will have a guy named for a Pope, a Jewish guy, and a guy named Ali.  Your three basic want-to-fight-each-other food groups.  (We know what you're saying . . . "Ali is short for Alistair on the Scottish guy, who sure doesn't look Muslim."  Well, you don't know that he is not, you racist punk.)

The 'Cats will use this season as a form not only to win basketball games for the good of college basketball, but also to bring about world peace.  Look for great news out of Jersualem in early April, when the 'Cats are crowned National Champions, Emperors of Rome, and rulers of "everything that the light touches."