Gator Huntin'

http://www.thetowntalk.com/article/20101027/SPORTS14/10270336/Two-year-quest-Friends-catch-12-foot-monster-gator-in-Avoyelles-Parish

Barry recently alerted me to this tale of alleged hunting prowess in the nether regions of Loo-Z-Anna. I voiced my opinion that this was an ignominious ending for such a creature, trapped by a few Cajuns and popped in the head with a .22 to the head. Barry responed as follows:

Now you just sound like a liberal.

“Oh, but isn’t that unfair? Why don’t you give the animal a gun, too, and then see if you want to try to shoot it?”

Do you know what it’s called when a man can use a gun to kill a deadly killing machine of an animal, but instead try to use an inferior weapon? Retarded.

I believe that you may also be overlooking the fact that those guys had to track the animal and put their trap in a spot where it would take it, then come up with a rig that the animal could not escape after some failed attempts. It’s not like they just pressed a button and caught a gator. They stalked it for two years. It’s not like they just dropped a coin in a slot and won a jackpot.

YOU HOLD UP THERE, SON.

I'm not saying I find it wrong to kill the gator. If you made the argument, 'Well, that's the best way to kill it and preserve the skin/meat to sell at a high price, I can get behind that. I just want to know that some of these rednecks are getting taken out from time to time whilst doing this.

I've eaten gator and it is delicious. I just want to taste the defeat and failure of some dumb rube who lost and arm/life in the pursuit of my stew/boots. Is that so wrong? It's the same thing with conflict diamonds. It's not my fault that broads/gangstas love them and they're all sparkly and beautiful. If I have to indirectly fund genocide or civil war to give my lady friends what they want, well, so be it. I didn't tell the Africans to go all bat$hit and start wars over them. They decided that through their own maleducated and impoverished minds/hungry stomachs. The main black dude in Blood Diamond made out alright for himself, DID HE NOT? He should send L'il Wayne, Jay-Z, and (insert stupid white popular actress' name so I don't seem racist) a thank you note.

All the best things in life come from/create conflict. Diamonds. Oil. Blow. Chronic. Trafficking women. John Woo movies. Let's just say that for good things there is a price to pay, and we, as Americans, like to outsource that price to people in developing/not even close to developing nations.

So, in summation, as long as a few swamp people are killed/maimed every year while hunting gators, I approve of the .22 to the head coup de grace. I know a few people who've gone out that way and let's be honest, it's the simplest way to take a person out. Smaller caliber is cheaper, quieter, and lacks the power to exit the skulls, bouncing around the brain inflicting maximum damage and minimal gore. You can probably shoot someone in the head at close range with a .22 in a white suit with white gloves and not ruin them.

The Useless Stock Pick of the Week

Ladies, gentlemen, intergalactic friends-of-the-blog,

Welcome to a new section of the UIB that we have been kicking around since its inception: the Useless Stock Pick of the Week.  In it, we will develop a thesis regarding the future of a particular stock, based on some pretty absurd reasoning that you would only trade on if you were way too rich to possibly become poor, or you were a dummy.  That said, we think we can come up with some ridiculous stuff and we'll see if we can still beat the market, like that monkey throwing darts.


This week's USPOW:  Hornbeck Offshore Services (HOS)

Who are they?
Hornbeck owns a fleet of vessels, which provide services to deepwater oil rigs, primarily in the Gulf of Mexico.  Their national claim-to-fame is that they were the firm that successfully sued the federal government to have the initial moratorium on offshore Gulf of Mexico drilling lifted.

The thesis:
HOS is poised to gain from the onset of the new NBA basketball season.

The thesis is more about Hornbeck's competitor than themselves: Edison Chouest.  See, Chouest is owned by Gary Chouest.  And I mean OWNED.  Privately held.  He gets lots of money.  Owned.  Well, Mr. Chouest is a minority partner in the New Orleans Hornets, and is a known superfan.  He has also been in the process of purchasing the remaining share of the team from George Shinn for months now.  This process was supposed to happen during the offseason, but has dragged on into the new season, which began last night.  Clearly, these activities will be a distraction to Chouest as the new season starts, and who will profit from Chouest's ADD in the form of higher market share?  Hornbeck Offshore Services.

So there you have it: HOS is the USPOW because the NBA season started this week.

DPRK and Meatball Lovin' Part 2

Meatball sandwiches are manly. Very, very manly. While 'American' can be used as a synonym for manly, I find cause to disagree with the assertion that Kim Jong Il does not like meatball sandwiches.

Look. Say what you will about the Anti-American nature of the Dear Leader. By focusing on that facet of his life, and with the previously stated synonymity of 'American' and 'manly', one might think this to mean that he is not a mascualine individual. Well, that taken with the ridiculous sums of money he spends on his hair and other metrosexual peccadilloes.

However, the man rules an entire country with an iron fist. A whole nation reveres him as a god. He is a small, ugly man that currently commands the obediance and subserviance of 20+ million citizens. He has successfully duped and manipulated the international community into always giving in to his demands by exploiting the currently weak nature of world diplomacy. He has nuclear weapons and a standing army of 1.2 million men. One of his subs sunk a South Korean naval ship and NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. If you cross him, or he thinks you're going to cross him, or he just doesn't like you, he can have you liquidated and your family relocated to a work camp.

In my book, that is a man. Smuggle him a meatball sandwich through the blockade to satisfy his hunger.

You want to pick on someone who allegedly has two balls and a penis, is a world leader, hates America, but doesn't like a meatball sandwich because they're really a big b***h, my vote goes for Obama. I bet that guy wouldn't eat a meatball sandwich unless he was on the campaign trail, in front of the cameras, and put on the spot to eat the sandwich because it would endear him to the local voter base. And he would not enjoy the sandwich. He would eat probably 2 bites of it before handing it back to the proprietor who made the sandwich so he could give a speech about hope'n'change and maybe containing the North Korean threat.

Kim Jong Il would eat the sandwich, eat another sandwich, then take another from a subordinate who was also involved in the Pyongyang Meatball Sandwich Fesitval. When the subordinate flinched at the thought of giving away his tasty meal, he would be summarily executed. The Dear Leader would then test another nuclear device, kidnap some Japanese citizens, and capture another American submarine. You know, because he can, and he has.

Just saying.

Awesomely American Micro-rant of the Day

You know what is awesome?  A meatball sandwich.  Who doesn't like a meatball sandwich?

I'll tell you who: Kim Jong Il.  Hey, KJI.  Nice head.

Jackass.

De Gaulle of these people!

Raising the retirement age from 60-62? OH THE HUMANITY.

I think Angela Merkel should take a good, hard look at what is happening to her neighboring country. Not because Germany has to worry about falling prey to these problems or anything. Turns out, they've been fiscally responsible compared to the rest of the world. No, I want her to take a look at invading.

Remember what pulled the U.S. out of the Great Depression? That's right, an aggressive Germany and a weak France. And without the morally damaging and resource draining Nazi agenda, no doubt Germany can get the job done this time. I promise we won't care and merely attempt to financially capitalize by producing for your war machine. You think the U.K. will do anything? They just proposed HUGE cuts to their armed forces the other day. Russia has the Chechens/Georgians keeping them occupied, as well as the onerous day-to-day struggle to run an authoritarian regime. Much harder now than it was in 1941.

So, Angela. Do it. There's no Maginot Line that forces you to ruin the day for those nice Belgians and Dutch by going into France on that route. Just give the Bundeswehr a call, have them make it do what it do, and sell us cheap wine/champanya afterwards.

Oh, don't forget to loot the art, too.

French Fries

This week's escalating protests just go to reinforce an age-old lesson that Americans have learned through watching highlights of celebrations and protests over the years:

Europeans love road flares.

13th Amendment Is Lies

Barry de Destrahan laid out his plans for revolutionizing football for those talented individuals between the ages of 18-22 blessed with the abilities and work ethic to make a professional athletic career in football a possiblity. Well, I've got some thoughts.

How has no one mentioned that the current system is akin to slavery or indentured servitude? Here's how I'm seeing things:

You have certain physical strengths and abilities. You are not allowed and strike out on the own and get market rate for your services. You are forced to work in a system who provides lodging, food, and only enough education to keep you on/in the field. Your work has massive financial benefits to the institution that provides you only those basic services listed above. You cannot do work on the side to better your situation. Seriously? No one sees the parallels here?

I, Paulie O'Shea, have a certain set of acquired skills that I bring to the workplace right now. I can choose where I want to work. I can choose to say, 'No, I will not work for minimum wage for your company when my talents are clearly good enough to work in a higher paced, much more remunerative environment. Good day to YOU sir, and go die in a fire.' Football players only have the choice to attend a different college/university that also provides only the basics to sustain life during your time there.

For right or wrong, most of the folks in the situation of young athletes possess no other skill set to provide for their families at that age, especially not to the degree their football talents can garner. The current establishment dictates that although you may be talented enough to play in the NFL and reap large sums of money, you cannot even consider that option. Even though there are teams that would love to sign you, nope, sorry, too bad. You must put in your time working for room and board until 'we' say you have earned the right to work for money and competetive wages.

Tell me how this is different (other than the whole actual ownership, beating, rape, murder, etc) than the slave in the field who toils away for no money, is provided with food/basic shelter all to the benefit of a master who knows that, at least for the time being, he owns you because you have no other course to take in your professional career? Even if you decide to switch schools you have to sit out a year. While there may be a well defined time frame when you can strike out on your own, it is still, for all intents and purposes, indentured servitude for 2 years.

What a crock of ***t. Let them get drafted, receive signing bonuses, create a developmental league, and use their talents to get the most and be the best that they can be.

Or not. I mean, really, I blew out my shoulder and was dead to the sports world at 18, so I don't personally care unless this helps the Iggles draft better players. Or if one of them craps out of the new system and turns to a life of crime and accepts a contract that has been taken out on the life of Andy Reid for his blatent and egregious imcompetence. (The play clock is not some Rubik's Cube of mystery that is impossible to solve YOU SIMPLETON MORON)

I'm talking to you, Maurice Clarrett. Call me!

Opinions from Jersey? Sure.

Paulie O'Shea here. I'm Irish. I'm from New Jersey. I've been summoned to write words here about things I don't like, maybe some stuff I do like. That sounds good. I've also been told not to be profane, foul, or very offensive. That sounds less good. I'm being forced by Barry from Destrahan and Snakebite to abandon the vernacular I know and love for their Mickey Mouse grammar, castrated and devoid of force and power.

Total ****ing bull****, right? My great-grandfather didn't jump off the boat in New York to avoid dealing with all that Ellis Island garbage and go right to the pub with some friends from the old country so that 100 years later I could be told what words I can and cannot use in literary medium that was inconceivable to him at the time.

No, he did it because he hates lines, waiting, and dealing with people that are stupid/useless (guv'mint workers). He wanted a drink with his friends. And he was pretty sure he could swim.

Fortunately, his descendants saw fit to work hard and keep their battles with the drink private so as not to affect their professional lives. These stunning feats no doubt led to acquiring the resources necessary to provide Paulie O'Shea with a top notch education filled with big words, deep thinking, and a sense of entitlement and pomposity that is so important in the America of today.

So, you know, to be brief. Hi. How you doin? Hope you enjoy when I write, but really, I doubt I'll care if you don't. Please be advised if you voice your disapproval, I will promptly respond by asking you to die in a fire. Know that I have an Uncle Tutto who's a fire inspector in North Jersey who knows a thing or two about making arson look like an electrical fire. I'm just saying. You've been warned, and accidents happen.

Two birds, one stone

We got problems:

1. The NFL needs growth (dolla dolla bills), and international ain't workin (why did it take them this long to figure that out?), so their next brilliant fail of an idea is to add two games to the season, despite the oncoming tsunami of liability for players' braindeadness by 50.
2. College football as amateur athletics is a joke, and nobody can figure out how to balance "student" and "nonprofessional" with "athlete," when whackos will pay a gazillion dollars to see them play, even though said whackos have no official relationship with the (vocational) "school" that the players represent.

(Here it comes)

The NFL should start a developmental league for players who are 18-22.  Each current franchise can field a club.  You have to finish high school to qualify, and you are eligible to be signed by your own team after whatever age college players are allowed to enter the NFL draft.  There will be two drafts henceforth:  the NFLD-league draft, for high schoolers (or junior college guys who finish their GED or certificate in welding or whatever), and the college draft.  Anyone in the NFLD-league who's not signed by their own team at 22 can enter the college draft.  Season starts in April and runs through June.  Ten game regular season.  Four teams make the playoffs, play two rounds, and a champion is declared in the "Mediocre Bowl," or something.

Why is this not on the table?  I just thought of it while doing a different job, and since this is a blog, I am forced to assume that the idea is brilliant and should be published without consideration of the cons.  Your thoughts, readers???

Follow us to FREEDOM!

Special shout out to UIB fan Ann Marie from Spartanburg for being our first follower.  Ann Marie (if that is your real name), when we're big shots, you're definitely going to be in our inner entourage.

This is an inclusive blog, so please feel invited to follow us, unless you do not think that the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th is 110% awesome.  If that is the case, then you can go fly a kite.

Overpaid Athlete Syndrome

Athletes are humorously overpaid.  The argument in favor of insanely high salaries follows the line of reason that the athletes generate a gazillion dollars of revenue for their firms (teams), and therefore should be compensated accordingly.  This is the same line of reasoning that leads most organizations to overpay their sales force.  How how much you generate matters little in determining how much you are worth to your organization.  The true value is two fold:

1. How much you generate, relative to somebody else who could be in your position, and
2. Your alternative employment prospects

Consider the case of the NFL/NBA/MLB athlete.  Number two is not even debatable: the average professional athlete is not worth close to their salary in a different industry.  Many go to "college" and never see a classroom (more on that in another useless rant near the start of college basketball season).  Stars on the field are not necessarily stars in the classroom.  Sure, it happens, but by and large it's just not the case.  Even those who go on to successful careers have income prospects that are nowhere near seven (or eight) figures per year. 

Point number one is debatable.  Fans to value seeing the best athletes, but fans - especially NBA fans - want to see superstars.  That's why teams should focus their spending on superstars, and tell the rest of the players that they can play for less or not play at all.  After all, there are plenty of other marginal players clamoring for a chance to make it in "the league."  The fact is that most players are entirely replaceable (economically speaking), as long as a team hangs onto a couple of stars.

Remember, the object of a sports fanchise on the business side is to make money, not to win games.  If the owners stood up to the players' union and said, "Strike all you want . . . we'll find plenty of guys who want to play," then they could make a ton more profits.  They might lose their superstars for a bit, but the union would eventually have to cave.  A logical solution would be for the teams to spend their money on a really really really really good long-term health plan for their players (ok, I have slipped into an NFL-only argument, but let's keep running with it).  That would probably cost less than their $80+MM/year salary cap, and though fans might grumble, I doubt they would stop coming or watching or buying merchandise bearing the names of superstars.

You may say, "But Barry, with all of this discontent, wouldn't they start their own league to compete with the NFL?"  The answer is, "Probably, and they would lose their shirts."  The NFL basically has a monopoly, given to them by congress years ago (in a deal that actually birthed the New Orleans Saints.  True story.  Look it up.).  That monopoly was affirmed by the USFL's failure in the 1980s, over which the NFL was ordered to pay $1 in an antitrust lawsuit.  The court said, "Well NFL, you're out of line, and the law says that we have to acknowledge that.  Buuuuut, the Redskins are on a killer run these days, so we're gonna go ahead and give y'all a pass on this one."  I may be paraphrasing.

So you see, athletes have little other income prospects (though I hear that Kurt Warner was about to get an enormous retention bonus at the Shop Rite before he left to become an NFL Hall of Famer).  Most of them don't perform significantly better than any number of their colleagues who want to play.  Therefore, athletes are overpaid, and franchise owners are suckers.

Oh well

Well, I guess I was wrong. I'm not afraid to admit it. The Saints lost when the USO had an uptick Friday, so I guess it isn't true, but I'm going to stick with my guns here and stand by this thing. It might not be right every week, but we'll see what kind of a percentage we can get and at the end of the year, who knows? This could only be the fluke.

I'd expect oil to be through the roof by the end of the year though because the Saints are going to get it together and start tearing things up. Who dat.

Self plug of the day

Don't forget to check out Snakebite's other blog at www.snakebitesblog.blogspot.com and the twitter page at www.twitter.com/snakebite504

U.S.Oh Baby

Been following the USO lately? Of course you have if you're a Saints fan. It's kickin' butt right now. As of press time, the USO is up 1.95% on the day. This, of course, is the last day of trading before the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints take the field Sunday, which means it's looking like a victory for the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints. We'll check back in post game, but the trend is undefeated thus far this season. Stay tuned, lunatics.

Breaking news

Underground sources have reported to the UIB that LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva has expressed privately that he will fire Les Miles at the end of the season, and target Nick Saban as LSU's next head coach.  If Saban cannot be lured away from Alabama, the Tigers will try to get Rich Rodriguez from Michigan.

Alleva has already been cleared by LSU System President John Lombardi to make the move following the season.  Word reached the UIB from Mr. Lombardi's secretary, who is a member of the UIB's underground network and also Snakebite's cousin.

Useless Rant: Popeye's

I love Popeye's.  These are some reasons:

• Everybody eats it during Mardi Gras, just like the good old days. 
• Nobody has better sides.  
• The chicken strips don't need any sauce, because they are prefect when dipped in mashed poptatoes.
• They invented the loaded chicken wrap.  A chicken strip, with red beans and rice, inside of a tortilla.  It is retarded.  And when you have had a few libations, it is also delicious.  (Ok, I even like it sober)

Unfortunately, while Popeye's has some great things still going for it, the place has completely lost touch with its roots, and risks embodying more of generic America than the gritty New Orleans environment from which it came.  I submit to you as evidence, the recent rash of commercials featuring some "Aw shucks" Southern-accented spokeswoman who tries in no way to back up her claim of being Louisianian, because clearly the firm no longer knows the difference between the two.  And that is the problem.  Generic America thinks the following things:

1. Southern and Louisianian are the same thing
2. The Cajuns must have invented spicy foods, because all spicy things are called Cajun
3. All people from Louisiana are Cajun

The current Popey's "spokeswoman" has managed to shoot a perfect score with their latest commercial, in which she talks in her adorable Southern accent about "her" Cajun barbecue sauce.  The problem, of course, is that:

(A) She is Southern and not Louisianian.

(B) She calls her barbecue sauce "Cajun" simply because it is spicy.  There is actually no defined "Cajun" style of barbecue.

(C) She is not Cajun at all.  She is African American.  In Louisiana, African Americans are most typically of Creole or simply African descent, but you'll have a better chance finding an African Irishman (Shaq O'Neal excepted, of course) before you'll find an African Cajun.  Creoles are known for "Creole Cookin'," which has given us most of our tomato-based goodness down here, like Shrimp or Crawfish Creole (connecting the dots there?), and the most popular forms of jambalaya.  Red beans and rice can be credited to this lineage as well, among many other Louisiana - and New Orleans - favorites.  The Cajuns come from a group of French refugees, expelled from the Acadia region of French Canada in 1755, following the French and Indian War.  They settled west of New Orleans, in the Atchafalaya Basin, and cook their own style of jambalaya, etouffees, and sausages, among many other Louisiana favorites.  Both styles were influenced by local indigenous peoples (Injuns, if your textbook is dated before 1970).  It was the Cajun's spices that inspired Al Copeland's original Popeye's chicken recipe.

Of course, Popeye's has been based in Atlanta for long enough now to drive anyone representing the firm's Louisiana heritage out of its culture, per its plans when it moved (link).  That makes it difficult to maintain a "Louisiana" brand and image.  After all, one would expect that such a place would know the difference between New Orleanian and Cajun (or even Cajun and simply spicy), but apparently they no longer do.  So it is that monumental disconnect that has finally led to this: a "Louisiana" chicken restaurant parading out a not-even-Louisianaian character to sell wares that aren't even Louisiana-inspired, as an attempt to emphasize their Louisiana roots.

Popeye's picked up those roots years ago, and they have officially dried up.  Take me to Chick-Fil-A, please.

There, I said it.

Black Gold - following the charts

Everybody knows that the Saints's colors are black and gold because this is oil country, and oil is better known as black gold. With that, I think it's time to lay out a couple charts and figure out how to capitalize on the Saints and USO - the United States Oil Fund.

This season, we'll be tracking the correlation between the performance of the USO and the Saints on the field. Already this season, we have seen amazing results between the USO's movement and the outcome of the Saints game. On the last day of trading before the day of the game, we saw an uptick in the USO before both victories against the Vikings and 49ers. Then, before the hated Falcons came to town, we got a bad sign...a downtick on Friday the 24th.

It's week 4 and this is when we'll find out if this is the real deal. I'm pulling for the USO to go through the roof so we can knock the pants off the Panthers. As of press time (10:40am CDT), we've seen an uptick of 1.35%. My money's on the Saints.

Useless Advice

You don't need a good reason.  Just a reason.