Dear TCU,
Ye valiant BCS challengers, once again on the brink of a possible appearance in the National Championship game. You have achieved heights in the last few years that few, if any, college programs have over the same time period. Your achievements are in the company of Alabama, Boise State, and possibly no others. Even Florida and Texas have faltered this season, while you have gone undefeated . . . again.
But news has broken this morning that you are moving to a conference that has worse football teams, horrible travel arrangements, basketball squads with whom you can't compete, and baseball squads who can't compete against you. Yet, they have one thing that you do not enjoy: an automatic BCS bid. One that will likely go to Connecticut this season, who is 7-4 and unranked.
How could you?
How could you put that kind of travel strain on your student athletes over a bid that you already get? It is 869 miles to the nearest school in your conference: Louisville. How do you expect your athletes whose intelligence is not subsidized by the school to deal with that kind of travel while attempting to keep up with their studies? The answer is clear: you don't.
How could you possibly think that playing a worse schedule will enhance your championship game chances? Only one team in their conference is ranked (West Virginia - 23rd), while two teams in yours are ahead of them. Do you really think that the experts are going to say, "Well, they beat Rutgers on the road this season . . ." Do you know who beat Rutgers on the road this season? Tulane.
How could you deny your fans the chance to develop natural rivalries, and to travel to road games? No, Mountain West rivals aren't exactly next door, but the Big East plays a brutal 18 game schedule in basketball, meaning two fewer chances to schedule neighbors like SMU, Texas, etc. And conference championships? In the 2010-2011 academic year, the Big East will hold two conference championships south of the Mason-Dixon line: baseball and golf. Do you think that a bunch of Texans are really gearing up to visit places like Jamesville, NY and Storrs, CT when it's cold outside?
But most of all, how could you sell out your image as the BCS-busting squad that people love to complain about, but secretly support? The team that BCS schools love to claim isn't good enough, but hate to play? The team that embraces the American ideal that if you work hard enough, eventually you will bust through that glass ceiling, because anything is possible in America? The underdog.
If this morning's report is true, then it is with a heavy heart that I request the next stop on the TCU bus. I must get off.
Go Ducks,
Barry
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Congratulations to America!
Apparently West Virginia was not the only entity to defeat Bob McKillop yesterday, as America has pulled out a victory in the UIB's "Who would win in a fight" poll.
Reached by phone at the White House, America accepted the victory, but strangely still blamed George W. Bush for its out-of-shape pysique. Apparently two years is not long enough to get back into shape.
At any rate, Bob McKillop has admittedly lost a step since he coached a bunch of nerds to the brink of the final four, but graciously accepted defeat. "I got exposed in this poll a bit, and that is exactly why I want to play against superior teams like America. I have weaknesses now, but having them exposed early is what will make me a much better-polling fighter in March."
Jack Bauer, who finished dead last in the poll, could not be reached for comment because he was on location shooting season 1,486 of his hit show, 24, which features a bisexual transgender Asian Mexican American president.
Reached by phone at the White House, America accepted the victory, but strangely still blamed George W. Bush for its out-of-shape pysique. Apparently two years is not long enough to get back into shape.
At any rate, Bob McKillop has admittedly lost a step since he coached a bunch of nerds to the brink of the final four, but graciously accepted defeat. "I got exposed in this poll a bit, and that is exactly why I want to play against superior teams like America. I have weaknesses now, but having them exposed early is what will make me a much better-polling fighter in March."
Jack Bauer, who finished dead last in the poll, could not be reached for comment because he was on location shooting season 1,486 of his hit show, 24, which features a bisexual transgender Asian Mexican American president.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Dear Charles Rangel,
Charlie. What's happening? Busy time for you now, I know, but I wanted to have a few words.
I want to start off by saying you are a hypocritical asshole and should die a very public and painful death.
I don't care about your body of work. I don't care about any of the good things you've done. Hitler did a lot of great things. He built roads. Schools. Pulled Germany out of their Weimar funk. Then, you know, he ****ed it all up by doing those other things that were...morally questionable.
I'm not saying you're in the same category as Hitler. You're worse. Hitler didn't exactly lie about what he was doing. He didn't say, 'No no, the Jews are really so nice, we love them. And all the other untermenschen, I want to send them to happy funtime camps where they can pick flowers and eat candy all day.' He was pretty damn clear that they were, ah, being liquidated.
But Charlie, you used your office in so many different illegal capacities. You misused the office and your influence to get subsidized housing and donations to various 'charitable' foundations of yours, foundations whose books will no doubt be pored over in the near future. You failed to pay taxes on property and income when you were chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, the very committee that deals with taxation. You allege innocence, though state you have already spend $2 million on your defense, with another $1 million apparently needed. What innocent and clean man needs $3 million to adequately defend himself? You know how much money it would take to clear me of tax fraud, right now? You're pissed that your law firm ditched your case. I'm sure the fact that you were clearly guilty and absolutely undefendable had nothing to do with that. But, if that is not the case, how dare they act so unethically and abandon their client, who is guilty of ethics violations.
That would be none, because I'm not a ****ing criminal and don't engage in any sleezy, dishonest dealings. The defense of, 'Uh, I didn't do it, so, look all you want because there's nothing there' is fairly cheap.
'Does this sound like it has a scintilla of due process?' You asked that following the official finding of guilt. A finding that was established by the members of the committee you used to chair, and is still controlled by your own party. Did you really just want to use the word 'scintilla' in a sentence so people were reminded that, though you were not morally robust, at least your vocabulary is still top notch?
In summation, you had the potential to let your body of good work be the defining characteristic of how history will remember you. Instead, you decided to be a lying, cheating, stealing sonofab***h. If I did that, I would be in jail, right now. You just lose a $174,000/yr job that 435 idiots can do, a job that district gerrymandering has guaranteed you would hold until you decided to retire. Do your decisions, in hindsight, seem to have a scintilla of common sense?
Now, please kindly F off and disappear from public view forever.
I want to start off by saying you are a hypocritical asshole and should die a very public and painful death.
I don't care about your body of work. I don't care about any of the good things you've done. Hitler did a lot of great things. He built roads. Schools. Pulled Germany out of their Weimar funk. Then, you know, he ****ed it all up by doing those other things that were...morally questionable.
I'm not saying you're in the same category as Hitler. You're worse. Hitler didn't exactly lie about what he was doing. He didn't say, 'No no, the Jews are really so nice, we love them. And all the other untermenschen, I want to send them to happy funtime camps where they can pick flowers and eat candy all day.' He was pretty damn clear that they were, ah, being liquidated.
But Charlie, you used your office in so many different illegal capacities. You misused the office and your influence to get subsidized housing and donations to various 'charitable' foundations of yours, foundations whose books will no doubt be pored over in the near future. You failed to pay taxes on property and income when you were chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, the very committee that deals with taxation. You allege innocence, though state you have already spend $2 million on your defense, with another $1 million apparently needed. What innocent and clean man needs $3 million to adequately defend himself? You know how much money it would take to clear me of tax fraud, right now? You're pissed that your law firm ditched your case. I'm sure the fact that you were clearly guilty and absolutely undefendable had nothing to do with that. But, if that is not the case, how dare they act so unethically and abandon their client, who is guilty of ethics violations.
That would be none, because I'm not a ****ing criminal and don't engage in any sleezy, dishonest dealings. The defense of, 'Uh, I didn't do it, so, look all you want because there's nothing there' is fairly cheap.
'Does this sound like it has a scintilla of due process?' You asked that following the official finding of guilt. A finding that was established by the members of the committee you used to chair, and is still controlled by your own party. Did you really just want to use the word 'scintilla' in a sentence so people were reminded that, though you were not morally robust, at least your vocabulary is still top notch?
In summation, you had the potential to let your body of good work be the defining characteristic of how history will remember you. Instead, you decided to be a lying, cheating, stealing sonofab***h. If I did that, I would be in jail, right now. You just lose a $174,000/yr job that 435 idiots can do, a job that district gerrymandering has guaranteed you would hold until you decided to retire. Do your decisions, in hindsight, seem to have a scintilla of common sense?
Now, please kindly F off and disappear from public view forever.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Service"
People in the military don't get paid a ton. They also put their lives on the line to defend our freedoms. This gap between what they put in and what they get out, is what we call "service." Nobody serves more than they do. Police and firefighters serve as well, for the same reasons.
Clergy also serve. They work for others and don't get rich doing it (in most cases).
People in the government, however, serve no more than a Wall Street executive. They work, and they are paid. Some do an excellent job. And they are compensated. But it really gets under my skin when a legislator in Washington talks about their "service." In today's case, it's Charlie Rangel, who responded to his ethics conviction by saying, ""I can only hope that the full committee will treat me more fairly, and take into account my entire 40 years of service to the Congress before making any decisions on sanction." Mr. Rangel, who claims that he can't afford a lawyer, makes $174,000 a year to be a congressman. Maybe the committe got his ethics charges wrong (maybe not), but I can't understand how people in Washington claim to "serve," by getting paid that much. And it's not just the elected officials. Check out http://www.legistorm.com/ and see for yourself.
Just had to get that out. I feel much better now, thanks.
Clergy also serve. They work for others and don't get rich doing it (in most cases).
People in the government, however, serve no more than a Wall Street executive. They work, and they are paid. Some do an excellent job. And they are compensated. But it really gets under my skin when a legislator in Washington talks about their "service." In today's case, it's Charlie Rangel, who responded to his ethics conviction by saying, ""I can only hope that the full committee will treat me more fairly, and take into account my entire 40 years of service to the Congress before making any decisions on sanction." Mr. Rangel, who claims that he can't afford a lawyer, makes $174,000 a year to be a congressman. Maybe the committe got his ethics charges wrong (maybe not), but I can't understand how people in Washington claim to "serve," by getting paid that much. And it's not just the elected officials. Check out http://www.legistorm.com/ and see for yourself.
Just had to get that out. I feel much better now, thanks.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Defending the BCS: Part II
Where y'at, Barry? This was a little too long for a comment, so it'll have to be its own post.
Expanding on Barry's first point in his BCS post that every game counts whether it came early or late, I'd like to mention that the BCS system creates the single most exciting SEASON in all of sport. Nowhere else do fans get so excited about every game and completely overreact of every outcome.
If you'd look at it a little more favorably, you'd see that the entire season is a playoff. The only thing is that some teams play single-elimination (1E) while others get the wildcard of playing double-elimination (2E) (with the exception of LSU 2007) depending on strength of schedule, and boy does this make things fun. Nobody knows going into the season, but one can speculate, who may be able to get this 2E luxury and you won't find out until it's all said and done. Not only that, but the system changes as the year goes on depending on when you and any other squad loses.
For example, if Auburn lays an egg in the Iron Bowl, they're likely out of the National Title picture, in fact, LSU could have a better shot at making it in even though Auburn has the advantage of playing another Top 25 team in the SEC Championship regardless of what happens the rest of the regular season - on the field of course, let's leave Cam Newton's off-field escapades to the Tabloids for now. LSU just happened to lose to Auburn early in the year, and now that it's playing better, could possibly have played itself into 2E even though for a while there it looked like they were clearly a 1E squad. (Note that this is a long shot with Boise St. and TCU in the mix, but it is technically possible.)
The best part about the whole year is that everyone thought Alabama and Florida might have been the only teams playing 2E this season, but both played themselves out of it by the first week of November. If I'd have know Bama could still make the playoffs after losing to LSU, I probably wouldn't have gotten so depressingly drunk the night of 11/6/10, I probably would've celebrated Barry's b-day with joy. Either way, I was getting drunk. And that, my friends, is how the BCS has helped shape my life in 2010.
My point is, the playoffs start in September, but you're never out of it until you're out of it. Remember playing Jailbreak in the gym as a kid? Think about how depressing it was to get sent to jail. Now think about how great it was when a teammate made one of those foam balls in the basketball goal across the gym only to break you and everyone else out. That's like finding out that all of the sudden, you qualified for the double-elimination playoffs. I say no to playoffs because we don't need to dampen the thrill of breaking out of jail.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Defending the BCS (but also trashing it)
The BCS is awesome. There, I said it. Playoffs are great, but they’re not the only answer. And anyone who says, “Oh, it’s not fair to the team that plays better in December after losing in September,” doesn’t get it. It’s about who played the best throughout the whole year. Teams who sucked wind early on do not get consequence mulligans for getting better. No do-overs. You don't look at a game that you lost and say, "Well that's not fair. We were down by 10 after the first quarter and we only lost by 3, so we should have won." No, you lost.
One out of 120 teams becomes the champion. That’s it. If you don’t get a shot at the championship, then you can get in line with the other 118 teams who are just like you and go cry in your Wheaties, which by the way you should have eaten in September, when you were losing.
Actually, there is one thing wrong with the BCS: poor revenue sharing. The heads of the BCS conferences don’t understand that sharing that revenue across all teams who compete for a spot in the BCS (all 120 teams, so we’re clear) is better for college football than hoarding it amongst themselves. When they did that, they said “Our mission is financial in nature, and is in no way tied to the mission of the institutions that we ‘represent.’” At that point, they had to look at themselves in the same way that the NFL does, and understand that competitive balance is a good thing for profits.
The irony is that they have made the thing so lucrative now that it will eventually collapse on them when the NFL comes to its senses and starts the league that I believe is inevitable.
So, why not kill the conference tie-in and open the BCS games to every team, while sharing the revenue among every team? If they want to build something in that skews it a bit towards a conference that has two teams in the mix instead of one or none, then great (the NCAA does this for basketball tourney payouts). Make it two different pools. Whatever. Get creative. Just do what's best for the game.
And no playoffs.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
2010-2011 College Basketball Preview
The new college basketball season is imminent, and the UIB Sports Team has released its College Basketball Preview, containing everything that you need to know for the upcoming season.
First of all, there are approximately 344 irrelevant teams in college basketball. Then, there are the Davidson Wildcats. From 2005-2009, the 'Cats unleashed hell on the Southern Conference like no team has ever done. In those five seasons, the 'Cats were a staggaring 81-8 in conference games. Last year, they were 11-7. The experts at the UIB equate this anomoly to reeling in a big catfish, and then casting it back out into the water, just so you can reel it again again. Basically, in 2010, the 'Cats threw their fish back in the pond, and now they are going to crush it again. Consider the following ...
Returning stars
Hebrew senstation Jake "The Rabbi" Cohen, and his counterpart JP "Pope" Kuhlman shared conference freshman of the year honors last year. This year, they plan to dominate on the court, and bring about peace on earth off the court.
Frank Ben-Eze may be the breakout player of the season. A touted recruit in 2008, Ben-Eze has broken his knee approximately sixty times in the last two years, but should be healthy this season. Rumor has it that Ben-Eze will have a tough time making some of the longer road trips this year, because his knee sets off too many alarms to be allowed through airport security.
New blood
Wow, does Davidson have an excellent recruiting class this season. It is generally accepted to be Bob McKillop's best in 21 seasons at the helm. Tom Droney, Jordan Downing, and De'Mon Brooks highlight the class, but here is why the UIB is excited for it:
Ali Mackay - A Scottish nerd basketball player?! Are you kidding?! God, we hope that he is good and gets interviewed on tv a lot. Scottish accents are just crazy sounding. This is probably driven by the fact that anyone in America who hears a Scottish accent, sets it to the visual track of Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons, but what are you gonna do?
Clay Tormey - No big deal, but this walk-on is a continent champion in judo. That continent is North America - not Asia - but we are still fired up. Is it too much to hope for a Necessary Roughness style technical foul barrage on the court when Davidson plays UNCC for the first time since UNCC ducked the 'Cats while they had Stephen Curry?
Chris Cerapowicz - Clearly, this guy is going to replace Max Paulhus Gosselin as the crowd-pleasing, crazy-eyes defender. His bio pic is more like a mug shot. It says, "If you try to inbound this ball, so help me God I WILL CUT YOU!!"
Diversity rules
This season, Davidson will cover diversity like no other team in the land. Consider it from three angles:
First of all, there are approximately 344 irrelevant teams in college basketball. Then, there are the Davidson Wildcats. From 2005-2009, the 'Cats unleashed hell on the Southern Conference like no team has ever done. In those five seasons, the 'Cats were a staggaring 81-8 in conference games. Last year, they were 11-7. The experts at the UIB equate this anomoly to reeling in a big catfish, and then casting it back out into the water, just so you can reel it again again. Basically, in 2010, the 'Cats threw their fish back in the pond, and now they are going to crush it again. Consider the following ...
Returning stars
Hebrew senstation Jake "The Rabbi" Cohen, and his counterpart JP "Pope" Kuhlman shared conference freshman of the year honors last year. This year, they plan to dominate on the court, and bring about peace on earth off the court.
Frank Ben-Eze may be the breakout player of the season. A touted recruit in 2008, Ben-Eze has broken his knee approximately sixty times in the last two years, but should be healthy this season. Rumor has it that Ben-Eze will have a tough time making some of the longer road trips this year, because his knee sets off too many alarms to be allowed through airport security.
New blood
Wow, does Davidson have an excellent recruiting class this season. It is generally accepted to be Bob McKillop's best in 21 seasons at the helm. Tom Droney, Jordan Downing, and De'Mon Brooks highlight the class, but here is why the UIB is excited for it:
Ali Mackay - A Scottish nerd basketball player?! Are you kidding?! God, we hope that he is good and gets interviewed on tv a lot. Scottish accents are just crazy sounding. This is probably driven by the fact that anyone in America who hears a Scottish accent, sets it to the visual track of Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons, but what are you gonna do?
Clay Tormey - No big deal, but this walk-on is a continent champion in judo. That continent is North America - not Asia - but we are still fired up. Is it too much to hope for a Necessary Roughness style technical foul barrage on the court when Davidson plays UNCC for the first time since UNCC ducked the 'Cats while they had Stephen Curry?
Chris Cerapowicz - Clearly, this guy is going to replace Max Paulhus Gosselin as the crowd-pleasing, crazy-eyes defender. His bio pic is more like a mug shot. It says, "If you try to inbound this ball, so help me God I WILL CUT YOU!!"
Diversity rules
This season, Davidson will cover diversity like no other team in the land. Consider it from three angles:
- Geography - The Wildcats have players from three continents: North America, Europe, and Africa
- Race - The Wildcats have European Americans, African Americans, actual Europeans, an actual African, and a French Canadian. Coach McKillop is also rumored to be recruiting an Asian American student to keep stats.
- Religion - The Wildcats will have a guy named for a Pope, a Jewish guy, and a guy named Ali. Your three basic want-to-fight-each-other food groups. (We know what you're saying . . . "Ali is short for Alistair on the Scottish guy, who sure doesn't look Muslim." Well, you don't know that he is not, you racist punk.)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Good news for last night's defeated . . .
. . . you voted for 99 weeks of unemployment benefits, which should be more than enough to get you through to the next election cycle without finding a job!
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